Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
