Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
