How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
