I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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