I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
