Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
