yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
