I just threw up on my dentist
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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