dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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