Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
