What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
