We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
