Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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