i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
