just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
