I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
