Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
