Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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