Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
