I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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