Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
