So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
