Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
