i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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