Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize