My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
