I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize