even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
