No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i now understand why vodka
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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