My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
