when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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