Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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