either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
