having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
