My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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