I smell stomach acid.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize