Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
two words: eviction party
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
