I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
