In the future we'll all be gay
I cockslap morals
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
