Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
