Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
