Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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