we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
