Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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