I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
