we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
