is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize