just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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