how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
