either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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