Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found your dick twin last night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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