So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
