I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
