Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
