I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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