Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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