A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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