I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
