I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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