my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize