i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
