Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
